Three days more

Hi... Sorry Cheh Cheh. I just don't have the courage to call home. Nevermind have to stay happy and study hard still. Got a lecture from my friends. They have been telling me to stay happy. Well, I know that now days I laugh less and smile less.. I realise that there are some friends here that are willing to share things with me. Problems and emotions. It shows that they really care. I have changed a lot here. Too mang changes this year until I realise that I am no longer myself. Where is my old self? Which one do you prefer? I am noisier now. Hahaha....I mean I laugh lot more with my friends and open up a lot more. Sharing helps a lot especially in this place. There are 4 more months and I wonder whether I will be kicked out of this place... Then I will really miss them a lot more.

Another thing which I have decided is probably I would take Law. I know its a rash decision but if my results are not up to the standard then I have to take that. Will answer to that soon.

its a long week

Days seem to pass by so slow. I wonder what happen at home. I am afraid of calling home and also worried about things at home. Wonder how is my family.. Life back here is still that terrible. I have no mood to study. my mind is blank when I see the books and questions. Forcing myself to study is the only thing that I can do for now. Results for sem 1 will be out in a week.. Worried... yeah... i guess I did badly in it. that was the worst exam ever.... I just don't know what to do... If i get kicked out then how? Hmm.... maybe I am not good enough to be a doctor.... Haizz... I have been considering other options like law... Well its something rite? Hmm if my results turn out ok this time I really promuse I will study harder harder harder.... Haiz... no use now... one more week before I can finally go home for 3 days. Hmm miss home ... Studying here really sien.... It so boring...... Dead boring... haizz... been crying and gloomy since I came back here.... Man i really miss home....Life here suddenly seem so depressing... Hmm....

Challenges

God is testing my patience. My mother is going for a surgery. I am worried. Haizz.... Want to know something? I hate my mother. I hate her for my unhappy secondary school memories. I hate her for all the chances I missed during secondary school. However I too love her for she is my mother. This is why I hate myself. This stupid conflict always left me in tears. Haizz... sometimes I am sick of life. So sick that I wish I could torture myself for it.

I hate myself for being a selfish oaf! Well I know its insane but its true.. Sorry everyone.

friends

Hi there. I have been wondering about this topic friends. Sometimes I wonder how should a particular person be categorised as friend. Every stranger which I say hi and exchange a few words are called friend. Though not close yet we still will exchange smiles. I also have trouble grouping my friends into good friends,buddies, best friends and so on. Some friends seem to be nice to you yet they have strange intentions in their mind. I always have trouble thinking about the things in their mind. They are so hard to read! I always want to read them to understand them better as they want to do the same thing to me. However, the shell around me refuse to give way. Its a barrier protecting me from all the cold stares, unkind remarks and whispers. I always act cool and have that don't care attitude but actually deep down, I am protesting. They say it takes two to tango. I try not to get involve in terrible quarrels. I love to quarrel. Thats the real me. Things which I am not satisfied I feel like voicing out but I guess no one will listen nor give their opinion. Haiz..

That is why I keep things inside me. My dark past, sad memories, nightmares thoughts.... No one to share them with. I am also afraid of the people talking bad about me. This is my similarities with dad. However I wont show it. It will keep on building inside me until I breakdown. When I do breakdown, Its hard to stop. Well I try not to tell people about this. Part of me trying to scream for help to the world about this matter but the other part of me restrains the other part of me. Everytime I send out a message to some of my friends, they will be concern and ask. Then I would brush off and say nothing. I think slowly they will think its a false alarm. Then they will stop believing me... Its painful but I guess I deserve such things.

Those who knew about my problem ask me to take it easy but its so hard to do that. Well I think too much. I pressure myself too much. I want to be a happy person in and out. Not the person I am now- a happy go lucky person on the outside, a person crying and screaming for help inside. I just don't know who should I turn to. Parents? Well I don't want to worry them. I really hate myself for worrying and troubling and disappointing them always. Haiz... Its hard to be a good daughter. I want to go out with my friends but I don't want to trouble my parents. I want to drive but I am afraid of damaging the car. I feel that I a reckless driver. Friends? I also am afraid of troubling them. I envy those people that can get along with their friends so easily. I can never do that can I? I lie to my friends to much. To please the people around me... I am stuck in the centre.

I also feel I am a hopeless person. Well thats me. No matter what happens I want to make that person happy but I can never do that. Pathetic rite? Hmm...sometimes I really give up in life. Tired of the challenges and problems which arise. Sometimes from my own actions, other times from the surrounding and people around me. I complain too much. Haiz... Can I change that? Can I be a nicer person? Can I be more diligent? Hmm... just feel very tired with the things which happen to me....

frustration beyond depths...

Why wont the dvd play! I know this is silly but its really frustrating when the dvd won't play... I know I should be studying and doing chores but a human like me can go crazy la... I hate it when this happens.... stupid dvd.... go die la you stupid dvd... Why qont it play for me?!!!

a nice saturday

nothing much really...just sleep eat and books again...dead boring...no movies or any nice dramas to watch.... internet connection is also terrible but better than last time... hmmm very sien la....

Back home

Hi, i know its ages since i wrote in here.. There many things to tell but i just don't know where to start. Well...some things are so complicated yet it seemed simple. In KMPK many happy and sad things happen... Happy things I can share with you but sad things are meant to be kept in my mind so you all wont know anything bout it. Here goes...

As months pass by, friendships blossom and smiles are seen. Exams were near and everyone were stressed including me... I can't bear to look at the face of frustration and unhappiness among my friends so I had to sacrifice and be the cheerful one there. My heart bleeds to see a sad face but it stops when I see a beautiful smile on them. Well you might say I live to see the people I care smile... My parents are worried of me but I always brush their worries off and tell them that I am fine. The truth is I am so stressed and I just want to get out of that place.. People think that I am not stress. Those who know me well enough can see the things which I do to relieve my stress. Things which eventually hurt myself. Well its a way of coping with stress. Haha...no one but myself knows about it...

I celebrated many birhtdays and got so many bitter sweet memories... Some which I will remember for life while some which will make me cry. I know its late but happy birthday to my friends which were born in August,September and October. To those in November and December... well I will see what I can do bout it...

The days in lecture hall 6 were the best. There is a chinese family. First of all let me introduce the handsome korean guy which we all call dad-Jasper. A very shy person whose smile will make the Malay girls FAINT! hahaha... Next is the so beautiful and Kind mum-Shi Ying. A very lovable girl whom I will miss in my next semester. My big sister that is super brilliant-Lee Hong. She is very smart and also single. The last one is my baby sister-E Ning. She is so adorable and also single. Hahaha... She is a very cute girl and many people like her especially the malays. This is the chinese family in Lecture Hall 6. I am sure you all have noticed that there is only one guy and the rest are girls. hehehe... Many photos were taken and many words were exchanged. From total stranger to good friends which is what we are now. Hmm not as close as the Pahang gang but close enough to be good friends. Haizz... I wonder whether I will have another family like that in the next semester... or in the next place which I will be... Who knows? GOD la...

Muet speaking was not really good... I didn't make a good impression on the examiners. Thats what I think... Well there are three more papers to go and i really have to bang on it. My PSPM 1 is totally terrible except for biology... Well I hope i did well in it but I know it is impossible... I guess I fare badly in it. Its even worse than my SPM. Hmm no hopes of getting 4.o already... Should I change my mind about medic? Hmm probably... I suddenly like Law. I know its insane and Im never good at communicating but its still worth a try... I also know my english is not as good as some people but I will try my best to improve it.

Next semester is really tough... I wonder whether I will fare excallently in it or I will lose in the battle for success. Hmm hard to say... I really feel like quitting but only losers do that and I am certainly not one... There are many things on my mind which makes me think in a strange way. So many things which I want people to understand but they never did. Sometimes it makes me weep but usually I will keep it in my heart and go on as nothing is wrong with me... The cure?

Laughter is the best medicine....

well that all from me for now...